Don't Have Kids, Unless . . .

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Don't Have Kids, Unless . . .

Let me start by saying that I love my kids more than I ever thought I'd love anything (except, maybe ice cream). But that doesn't mean there aren't times that I daydream about what my life would be like if I never had them - if my days weren't spent reading Sandra Boynton books,  attempting to teach animal sounds, telling my toddler not to get into the cupboard for the eightieth time,  cutting grapes into tiny pieces, reminding my 5-year-old to go the bathroom, sweeping up Cheerios, wiping up milk, finding lost pacifiers, squeezing Polly Pockets into stupid rubber clothes, sneaking away for five minutes to text my best friend and check Facebook to see what's happening on the outside...

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Things I Find in My Coat Pockets Vs. Things I Wish I Found in My Coat Pockets

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Things I Find in My Coat Pockets Vs. Things I Wish I Found in My Coat Pockets

Like any basic mom living in Michigan, where it is stupidly frigid about half the year, I have several winter coats - a couple "nice" ones that I can wear to weddings or baby showers, a few pea coats I can throw on to go to the grocery store or a PTA meeting, and a super warm, unattractive one that I wear to play in the snow with my kids.

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Blank Space Parody

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Blank Space Parody

So, I'm pretty obsessed with Taylor Swift these days (I know, so basic), but particularly with "Blank Space." Mind you, I relate not in the slightest to the lyrics or to the video. My man-eating days are behind me (okay, they never really existed). I'm not sure I've ever even been in a mansion. But, I did ride a horse once at fifth grade camp . . . Anyway, I decided to make a version of the song that other moms like me might be able to relate to. Like Miss Swift's video, it is intended as exaggeration and satire, and not reality.

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I'm So Fancy...

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I'm So Fancy...

As a basic mom, I spend a lot of my time feeling decidedly not-fancy. In fact, I spend a good deal of time feeling borderline disgusting. There are Friday nights when I realize I haven’t had the opportunity to shower since Tuesday. I regularly wear jeans that I pretend do not have a mixture of kid snot and yogurt caked on them. Too many nights, I find that I've eaten half a bag of Doritos after my kids are in bed because it just feels so darn good to eat without little hands and voices trying to pull me away from my food.

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Are You a Basic Mom?

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Are You a Basic Mom?

By now most of us have heard of the “basic bitch.” If you are like me you had to hear about it from your husband’s gay co-worker because you are elbow-deep in diapers and Bubble Guppies and making sure your daughter’s red folder is in her backpack so she doesn’t have a meltdown at school tomorrow, which means you are out of the loop. So out of the loop that you asked your childless friends on a rare night out what “turn down for what” means (like three months after it even mattered). But, I digress. Back to the basic bitch. 

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